International Kittens of Mystery Read online

  International Kittens of Mystery

  by Chris Dolley

  Copyright © 2010 Chris Dolley

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book in any form.

  Cover design by Chris Dolley

  Cover art copyright © Shawn Hine - Fotolia.com, and © Ian O'Hanlon - Fotolia.com

  All photographs in the book, except one, copyright © 2010 Chris Dolley

  http://www.chris-dolley.com

  For security reasons the part of Jack Miaower had to be played by Gigolo Kitty, a professional actor.

  Picture copyright © Tran Dang and Jayashree Mitra

  http://gigolokitty.blogspot.com

  Published by Book View Cafe

  http://www.bookviewcafe.com

  No kittens were harmed during the making of this book. A few monkeys may have been scratched, and though it is true that a number of mice were reported missing, nothing was ever proven.

  Introduction

  In an uncertain world there is one organization that stands head and small furry shoulders above the rest. Whenever the planet is in danger – be it from giant balls of wool or bands of renegade squirrels – there is only one group guaranteed to answer the call.

  The International Kittens of Mystery!

  This is a journal of their stories. For the first time, cameras have been allowed into one of their top secret training camps – Training Camp Alpha. A camp where, under the supervision of pet humans, recruits are shown not only how to save the world but also how to manage their secret identities – how to blend in and infiltrate the human society that they alone can protect.

  In this book we follow the exploits of:

  Kai (Persian/Tabby) Xena (Tabby)

  and...

  The Tribbles (Five Bright Orange Gingers)

  One: The Wickerbowl Personal Transporter

  When disaster strikes, international kittens of mystery need to get to their destination fast. Cars are too slow, helicopters draw too much attention and the less said about dog sleds the better.

  The answer: a brilliant invention by the planet’s top kitten scientists – Miaow See Tung and Hercule Purro – the Wickerbowl series of personal transporters. They’re fast and, when operated correctly, inconspicuous. If a kitten needs to be somewhere else fast all they have to do is climb into the bowl, download the destination co-ordinates from the orbiting Kitten Command Center (Wickerbowl Five) and then – poof – the Wickerbowl dematerializes, materializing at the destination less than a second later.

  Here we see new recruits, Kai (above) and Xena (below), trying out Wickerbowl One – the single-seater sports model ideal for transporting a lone kitten into a tight spot.

  All Wickerbowl personal transporters come with standard features. They’re bullet proof, flame resistant, and hold fruit.

  Here we see Kai and Xena in the larger Wickerbowl Two model – the two-seater (some would say two-headed) estate model.

  And here’s Kai, hanging on, as they re-materialize back at Training Camp Alpha after their first journey.

  "Ow, ow," says Kai. "Leg haz cramp! Must stretch now or I’ll get deep pan thrombolosis!"

  Xena shares a look with her trainer. "You iz not sending me out with him again, iz you?"

  Five practice journeys later and the new recruits are looking a bit groggy. Travel through sub-space can take a while to get used to.

  After a break and a lightly poached mouse the kitten recruits return for an afternoon session of formation flying. It’s the first solo flights for both cats and they learn two things. One, never fly on a full stomach. And, two, formation flying not only makes you dizzy – it can make your eyes turn a funny color too.

  Two: The Power of Cute

  There are times when international kittens of mystery need to distract humans. Maybe they’ve been caught in a restricted area or someone’s just noticed them beam into the room aboard Wickerbowl Two.

  Luckily all kittens have a superpower for just such occasions.

  The Power of Cute!

  Here’s Kai ramping up the cuteness power to eleven. One glance at this and all humans enter a state of trance. Security guards, evil overlords, mouse sympathizers. None can look away ... or think coherently for a full five seconds. More than enough time for your kitten partner to slip by unnoticed and continue the mission.

  And as for the strange materialization of the wicker bowl in the impenetrable weapons vault... So what? Look at the liddle kitteh!

  Aspiring kittens of mystery, take note. Cuteness like this doesn’t come easy. You need to train every day. Practice stretching, striking ‘Superman in flight’ poses...

  ...advanced tongue control.

  Not to mention really advanced bending.

  Experts have studied this picture and still don’t know how Kai achieved this (possibly because their brains had entered a trance-like state – ed).

  Three: Remedial Training

  Training to be an international kitten of mystery is hard. Even a kitten of Kai’s ability can find some subjects a struggle.

  Here’s Kai having trouble mastering the art of picking up a stone with his front paws ... take 127.

  Which meant someone had to stay after school and attend special classes in paw-eye co-ordination.

  Here’s Kai, later that evening, concentrating hard on his dressage technique. Isn’t that a near perfect half-pass?

  Four: Combat

  This week's lessons focus on the noble – and sometimes sneaky – art of self-defense. First up we have Xena demonstrating ‘The Unexpected Neck Bite.’

  A devastating maneuver in the right paws, this stratagem relies on low cunning, surprise, and picking the right target. The best targets being the gullible, the star-struck, and the well behaved. Young Kai qualifies on all three counts.

  First, you tell your mark to sit very still and look at the camera. Tell him it’s an important photo shoot. Then, while his brain is distracted by thoughts of a future modeling career – maybe even a move to the catwalks of Milan – the cunning kitten strikes.

  Of course there are repercussions for using such a maneuver.

  Even a well-behaved kitten will want instant and disproportionate revenge.

  Here's a useful tip for those moments – and we all have them – when you're pinned to the floor having your leg bitten. It's called ‘The Xena’ and it's a must for all warrior kittens.

  First, bring up your back legs ready to push your assailant off. Second, and this is where the move gets its name, you throw your head and ears back, open your mouth as wide as it will go ... then flex that spine, spring forward, and let loose your warrior yell in the nearest ear drum of your assailant.

  As the deafened foe's grip relaxes, you catapult him or her off with your back legs.

  And quickly pin them.

  Here we see Xena demonstrating the artful use of one’s surroundings. As Kai approaches, she swiftly constructs a fort out of empty boxes she'd seen lying on the floor earlier. Note the precision of her work and how a three box fort can defeat even the stretchiest cat.

  Finally, we have Kai demonstrating the noble art of self-defense as written down by the Marquis of Queensbury's cat, Tyson.

  Note the perfect guard: left paw tucked in to protect the chin, right paw preparing to jab, knees flexed ready to pounce. Only an illegal tail tug could breach this defense.

  Five: Squeezing Into Very Tight Spaces

  Enemies of the civilized world come in all sizes. And international kittens of mystery must pursue them – even when they’re very small and hide in difficult-to-get-to places. Just because the enemy agent’s a beetle doesn’t mean it should be allowed to escape. Hence IKoM’s motto: We
always get our mouse.

  Today’s training exercise is all about squeezing into very tight places. Here we see Kai – a kitten of a slightly portly disposition – showing some surprise, a modicum of shock, and a whole bowlful of doubt upon learning that he was first up to attempt the ‘crawling under the chest of draws’ task.

  Yes, kittens, even a stunt kitten of Kai's stature can have doubts. Especially after a couple of voles between meals. The gap looks only two or three inches wide!

  But just to show that even the larger kitten can squeeze into unexpected places, here we see Kai demonstrating the ‘low walk’ – the classic method of inching into small gaps.

  Note the head pushed in as far as it will go, the low shoulders, the flattened chest and the back legs pushing from behind.

  Here we see the same shot from a different angle. Note the left leg tucked under the body for extra leverage.

  But sometimes – for really small gaps – the low walk just doesn't cut it and you have to get splayed.

  No, come back, I said sp-l-ayed not spayed.

  And to prove it here we see Kai employing the 'flat cat' position and posting himself into the gap. Now, I expect some of you are thinking, "doesn't Kai look kinda stuck?"

  You wouldn’t be alone. Kai was thinking the same thing.

  Which is why all training camps have an abundant supply of grease, for those times when kittens get wedged.

  Six: First Contact Negotiations Go Horribly Wrong!

  Kai the drenched kitten looks up in horror as the alien death ray device (aka the hair drier) looms in from above. Xena can't look – she has to hide her head in her paws.

  Why? Well, it all started last week when Kai and Xena were sent on their first simulated mission – a ‘first contact’ mission involving large woolly ‘aliens’ from the planet Sheep.

  At first the talks go well. Xena listens intently to the woolly delegate. And wonders where she could get a pair of large yellow earrings like those.

  The talks go so well that, back on planet Kitten, there is dancing in the streets. Mouse tariffs will be lowered and kibbles will be free. Yay!

  But then a gang of young, over-enthusiastic woollies with protectionist leanings (aka baa-aad lambs) get wind of the secret negotiations. They overhear what’s being said and...

  ...gatecrash the meeting – at speed – sending the Kitten delegation (off camera) racing for the nearest tree.

  It's a large tree. Kai is the black shape in the lower circle and Xena is the camouflaged kitten in the tree’s troposphere. A large woolly alien looks on from below.

  Finally, an explanation of the first picture. Coming back from the negotiations, Kai decided to celebrate his tree-climbing prowess by tucking into the specially prepared meal he found on top of the fridge.

  Unfortunately the sustenance found was neither specially prepared nor a meal. It was chicken fat cooling off in a foil container before being thrown out. Kai, a kitten of the messy eater persuasion, managed to coat his chest, stomach, and front legs in gooey fat.

  First contact with the shower spray swiftly ensued – in which there was much struggling, much clawing, some spilt blood (all of it from the trainers) and much water. Ten minutes with the hair drier restored Kai and his fur to his previous lustrous state.

  It’s a hard life as an International Kitten of Mystery.

  Seven: Counter Mouse Insurgency

  It’s a big day at Training Camp Alpha. Kai and Xena have passed out. Not in an unconscious way but in a ‘they’ve passed their exams. Three purrs for the kitties!’ kind of way.

  They are both now operational and ready to be sent on their first mission.

  The call comes in just before lunch. Enemy mice, for there are no other kind, have been sighted holding illegal gatherings under a cupboard. Homeland Security immediately issues a brown (mouse) alert. The price of cheese skyrockets.

  With the world’s newsreaders climbing onto chairs and screaming, Kai and Xena race to their Wickerbowls. Will they be in time to save the world?

  The humans seal off the building but are too terrified to enter. SWAT teams stand on benches outside attempting to secure their trousers, for it is well known that mice like to immobilize their human foe by running up the nearest trouser leg.

  Kai and Xena beam inside the building knowing the fate of the cheese-eating world rests upon their small furry shoulders.

  Here they are. They’ve located the cupboard. Taken a quick look...

  Having sized up both the situation and her shoulders, Xena decides to cover the side entrance. Kai having sized up very little, prefers the direct approach. No exceedingly small gap can defeat a kitten with determination.

  Two dislocated shoulders later, Kai squeezes where no international kitten of mystery has ever squeezed before. Or ever will again, thinks Kai.

  The insurgent mice – those that haven't been squashed or wedged up against their terrorist cheese-tasting manuals – run for the side entrance only to find it covered by Xena.

  "You’ll never take us alive!" screams the mouse leader.

  "I waz not intending to," says Xena.

  Ten minutes later, his job done, agent Kai tries to squeeze back out.

  But for some reason, maybe food related (never substantiated – ed), he’s a tad larger than he was when he went in.

  Five minutes later the International Kitten of Mystery extraction team arrives with an extra large tub of grease.

  Eight: The New Intake – Tribbles!

  Now that Kai and Xena are operational, it’s new recruit time at Training Camp Alpha. Here we see five bright orange recruits aboard the padded and fleece-lined Wickerbowl Three – the luxury heavy tribble transporter.

  These are no ordinary kittens. These are specially bred kittens with an augmented cuteness gene (aka the tribble gene). They are smaller and fluffier than the standard kitten and can incapacitate a human from ten yards.

  Human trainers have to wear special glasses when handling them.

  Warning: the following pictures are close-ups of cuteness enhanced kittens. If you are driving, operating heavy machinery, or have your hand hovering over a ‘launch nuclear missile now’ button ... do NOT look at the pictures until you have moved yourself to a place of safety. The publishers of this book will not be liable for any injury, or piles of rubble that used to be major cities, should a reader enter a trance-like state or collapse.

  Here is one of the new recruits practicing the ‘I am a poor, cold, lost kitty in need of a good home’ look.

  Next we have the ‘tile floor too slippy. Me fallz down. Need big monkey pick me up.’

  Here we see the new recruits being informed that all secret agents – especially James Bond – have to be wormed regularly. And before they can be wormed they have to be weighed.

  One recruit disputes the scales. I canz not weigh that much!

  Nine: Monkey Climbing for Beginners

  Climbing is one of the most important skills that an international kitten of mystery needs to master. Curtains, armchairs, display cabinets filled with expensive glass and china, all make ideal candidates but nothing beats a pet human.

  They like it so much when your tiny claws poke through their clothing that they emit little monkey purrs – oo, ow, ow, oo.

  Here we see Kinky Tribble, named after the slight kink in her tail, demonstrating the ‘climb and hang’ technique – ideal for those times you need extra height to see what your monkey’s up to.

  After all, that could be someone’s dinner being prepared up there.

  Next, we have an unfortunate accident when the cameraman was unexpectedly swarmed by Kinky Tribble – a kitten who climbs so fast and swerves back and forth that even a professional cameraman can’t snap her in time.

  The cameraman didn’t mind though. He purred.

  "Other monkey haz food," shouts a voice from below. "You haz climbed wrong monkey."

  "I haz not!" screams Kinky.

  Other monkey tracked down and swarmed. r />
  Maintaining cuteness at level ten and above demands constant feeding. And vigilance. Monkeys have a habit of hiding food and need frequent searching.

  Ten: Circuit Training

  It's a tough life as an international kitten of mystery and training can't start early enough. Even young kittens have to get fit.

  Training Camp Alpha has a state-of-the-art gym with all the latest equipment. Here we see Spiky Tribble practicing his moves on the 'furry toy suspended from a chair.' Always a favorite.

  But sometimes you can't beat gnawing a chair leg.

  After the chair session comes the floor exercise. And if the floor's too hard you can always co-opt a monkey lap. Now work those stomach muscles with the Tribble spine twist and opposable paw touch.

  Eleven: Mentoring

  Training Camp Alpha has been chosen to trial a new mentoring scheme to help train recruits. The plan is to have newly graduated kitten agents, like Kai and Xena, help with the training and offer one-on-one support.