How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight Read online

  How POSSESSION Can Help You LOSE Weight

  Brick Crapper, M.D.

  Copyright © 2013 Chris Dolley

  http://www.chris-dolley.com

  Cover art

  © Vladimir Sazonov - Fotolia.com

  Cover design

  Chris Dolley

  Interior art

  © Albert Ziganshin - Fotolia.com

  © julien tromeur - Fotolia.com

  © Seamartini Graphics - Fotolia.com

  © VectorShots.com - Fotolia.com

  © Alice Boccaleoni - Fotolia.com

  © Steve Young - Fotolia.com

  © antonbrand - Fotolia.com

  Published by Book View Café

  www.bookviewcafe.com

  ISBN: 978-1-61138-253-2

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book in any form.

  This is a work of art ... and fiction. All the characters, events, diets, demons, celebrities and spirits portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people — dead or alive — or incidents is purely coincidental.

  Table of Contents

  The Concept

  The Science of Possession

  Clinical Trials

  Choosing the Best Demon

  Head Spinning and Other Exercises

  Cursing as a Slimming Aid

  Exorcism

  Side Features and Other Things to Watch Out For

  Testimonials

  Demon Dating Questionnaire

  Recipes

  Calorie Counter

  Acknowledgements

  About Brick Crapper M.D.

  The Noro Diet

  Other Books by Chris Dolley

  About Book View Café

  The Concept

  Houston, We Got a Problem

  The United States is the fattest nation on the planet. Kevin Jones, Twitter’s most popular statistician with over two million followers, has calculated that, if current trends continue, the average American will weigh over ONE THOUSAND POUNDS by the year 2300! That’s enough to make America sink by EIGHTEEN INCHES! Even worse, if enough Americans gather in one place — like Miami for Spring Break — it could cause the whole continent to tip over — sinking Florida and lifting Alaska THOUSANDS of feet into the air!

  Move over global warming, the planet’s BIGGEST threat is global fattening.

  But What Can We Do, Brick?

  We need to lose weight fast. I don’t need to tell you that there are HUNDREDS of diets out there. But only one is guaranteed 110% effective, and that’s the Possession Diet. It’s fast. It works. It introduces you to new, healthier foods. And it’s almost never fatal.

  But how does it work?

  In the coming chapters, I’m going to take you through a step-by-step explanation of everything you need to know about this amazing diet — from the science behind it to a list of specially designed recipes.

  Let’s start with the concept. We’ve all heard about possession. A person is possessed when a spirit or demon slips inside their head. But only recently have researchers realized that being possessed can help you lose weight AND improve your diet.

  That sounds amazing, Brick, but, come on, how does it work?

  Well...

  1. You’re Eating for Two

  And those spirits have enormous appetites. It’s been clinically proven that a spirit needs at least 1,500 calories a day to survive — some even more than that. That’s 1,500 calories of YOUR daily intake being removed FOR FREE! That’s the equivalent of THREE mature Venezuelan tapeworms!

  2. Improve Your Diet

  Spirits have cravings — they’re only human (well, some of them are) — but the amazing thing about these cravings is that they are SLIMMING POSITIVE! That’s right, spirits don’t crave sugary foods, or fat, or chocolate, or deep-fried carbs. They crave HEALTHY foods like raw liver and bugs and those tiny dried-up foods you find in old attics and the better-stocked graveyards. And those cravings become YOUR cravings. It’s like a magic diet pill that takes away your craving for BAD food and introduces you to the GOOD.

  And, even better, it doesn’t last. Once you’ve been exorcised, the new slimline you can return to enjoying your old favorite foods!

  3. Astral Projection — The Safe Way to Exercise

  Astral projection is a way of using your mind, or, in this case, your demon’s mind, to create a second body. A second body that feeds off YOUR energy and burns YOUR calories. It’s the safe way to exercise — remotely. You can be as vigorous as you like, WITHOUT straining your own muscles.

  Isn’t that GREAT? You can lie in bed and run a marathon AT THE SAME TIME. With NO physical pain, but ALL the gain.

  4. Head Spinning — Turning Your Back on Food

  Tests have shown that turning your head through 180° — one of the many new things a possessed person can do — slows down your food intake and helps you slim. If you have a severe eating compulsion and just can’t stop, this is the trick for you.

  Less invasive than a gastric band, and far safer than supergluing your teeth together! All you have to do is have a word with your spirit and they’ll help you keep your head facing backwards. It’ll slow down your food intake INSTANTLY as — well, you try it — it’s not easy to eat with your arms having to bend behind your back. After you’ve pronged your nose several times with a fork, you’ll slow right down or stop altogether!

  5. Projectile Vomiting — the FAST Way to a Perfect Body

  Clinical trials have proven that projectile vomiting is up to FOUR times more efficient than ordinary vomiting. You don’t even have to run to the bathroom! With practice, and careful placement of your chair within thirty feet — and line of sight — of your bathroom, you can project your lunch from the comfort of your own armchair.

  6. Cursing — Lose Weight and Learn an Old Language

  Who’d have thought it? Cursing as a slimming aid? But it’s true! Cursing has been shown to raise the heart rate, oxygenate the blood, AND burn calories. And when it comes to cursing, who does it better than a demon? They know curses that we can’t even spell. And, even better, no one can be offended because no one knows ancient Sumerian these days!

  7. Salt Free Diet

  Possession isn’t just good for losing weight, it’s healthy too. Take salt, for example. We eat far too much salt these days and excess salt has been shown to cause STROKES, HEART ATTACKS, DANGEROUSLY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE and BAD BREATH. It’s a smelly killer.

  But spirits can’t abide salt. It hurts them and makes them cranky. Which is GOOD for you as, when you’re possessed, you’ll hate salty foods too. One taste and — BLEH! — it’ll be like sucking on a JALAPENO LEMON!

  The Science of Possession

  Who better to explain the science of possession than last year’s runner-up on America’s Next Top Scientist — Dave Lupin. Dave, as everyone now knows, is both one heck of a scientist and a pretty nifty ballroom dancer too. In his book, The Quantum Soul, Dave explains how all of us — humans, animals, aliens, and even demons — are a symbiosis of two beings — the physical being and the spiritual being. The spiritual — what we commonly call the soul — lives inside, and animates, our physical being.

  He likens the physical being to a car, and the spiritual being to the driver. And possession is like carrying a passenger who shares the driving. And occasionally takes the car out for a spin without telling you. And maybe ties you up and stuffs you in the trunk.

  Of course those are the BAD demons. The GOOD demons will give your engine a tune, wash and wax your paintwork and detail the inside.

  But how does any of that help you lose weight? Even after a wash and tune up, the car isn’t go
ing to weigh much less.

  Dave explains: The car analogy was but one dimension of a multi-dimensional answer. The body is a car, but, at the same time, it is also a giraffe.

  Confused? I was, but I think this just shows Dave’s genius — we, as laymen and women, simply cannot conceive what Dave is talking about. But he WAS runner-up on America’s Next Top Scientist and danced the socks off that Nobel laureate in the dance floor challenge.

  Back to the giraffe. Apparently it’s not just a giraffe, it’s a QUANTUM giraffe. That means, according to Dave, that sometimes it’s not a giraffe.

  Here’s a transcript of a conversation I had with Dave on the subject:

  BRICK: “So, Dave, What EXACTLY is a quantum giraffe?”

  DAVE: “It’s the kind of giraffe that if you put it in a box, you wouldn’t know it was there.”

  BRICK: “It’s a small giraffe?”

  DAVE: “No, Brick, it’s a QUANTUM giraffe. Simply put, that means it’s the kind of giraffe that exists in two states.”

  BRICK: “Like Texas and New Mexico?”

  DAVE: “No, Brick. How can I put this? It’s alive but — at the same time — it might be dead, but no one knows — not even the giraffe — until someone opens the box.”

  BRICK: “So it’s a kind of undead giraffe?”

  DAVE: “It’s ALL kinds of giraffe and ... it’s only ONE kind of giraffe. It’s the kind of giraffe that has the potential to be anything — even an elephant — as long as no one’s looking. But as soon as someone sees it, the quantum state collapses, and the giraffe must choose what it wants to be.”

  BRICK: “So, it’s a magical giraffe?”

  DAVE: “In layman’s terms, it’s a PART TIME magical giraffe with the potential to be anything it wants, BUT ... once it chooses, that’s it. It’s no longer magical.”

  BRICK: “Right ... What has that to do with possession and slimming?”

  DAVE: “Everything. While you’re possessed, your car exists in two states. One with you as driver, and one with your demon as driver. It’s become a Quantum Car, which means it has the potential to be any damn car it wants. Even one of those little British two-seater sports cars.”

  BRICK: “Wait, I think I’ve got this. If you want a slim car, you choose the two-seater sports model, and the exorcist collapses the quantum state?”

  DAVE: “Almost. But, remember me saying that the car analogy was but one dimension of a multi-dimensional answer?”

  BRICK: “I certainly do, Dave.”

  DAVE: “Well, there’s another dimension. The body’s not only a car and an occasional giraffe. It’s also a color too.”

  BRICK: “Wow ... Is that a cannabis plant on your windowsill, Dave?”

  Do I understand all of Dave’s theories? Of course not. But I do know about cars and giraffes, and just how hard it is to become runner-up on America’s Next Top Scientist.

  And the results from our clinical trials speak for themselves.

  Clinical Trials

  To prove the efficacy of the Possession Diet we commissioned a series of clinical trials at the world’s leading laboratories.

  The first trial was run by Stepford University — one of the leading research universities on the PLANET with over THREE MILLION likes on Facebook. That’s more than Harvard and SIX times as many as Stanford.

  Stepford ran a double blind trial — the most rigorous statistical test known to man as it can only be administered by visually impaired twins.

  They found that people who used the Possession Diet lost on average TEN times as much weight as those using more traditional diets. And they lost it QUICKER. One woman lost so much weight they had difficulty finding her! She dropped TEN dress sizes in ONE day. Unfortunately, she also lost 51 inches in height, which is why we no longer recommend using the Shrinking Demons of Gharanja (pictured below).

  Stepford ran a follow up trial six months later to assess the long-term effects. Were people managing to keep the weight off? Were they still alive?

  Researchers found that people who took the Possession Diet were LESS likely to put that weight back on. Admittedly some had been institutionalized — minor mental problems concerning flashbacks and unusual cravings — but they weren’t FAT! And most were expected to make a FULL recovery.

  Stepford interviewed the more lucid of the institutionalized subjects and found that many were happy with their new selves, but had been committed by family members, or judges, who had a more traditional, some would say narrow, view of what ‘normal’ behavior was. What the patients saw as having their eyes opened to new possibilities and new ways of life, was often deemed by ‘society’ as exhibitionism and, in one case, cannibalism.

  Summing up, the Stepford researchers wrote ‘This Possession Diet is WAY better than anything else out there. And it’s ALMOST NEVER FATAL!’

  The second series of trials were run by the television series, Extreme Celebrity Weight Loss, where extreme celebrities try out a new diet every week. The Possession Diet was tried out by former child star and gossip page regular, Chelsee Chambers. Chelsee is well known for her battles with weight, drugs and invisible friends who help her shoplift. She’s been in and out of rehab since she was fired from ‘The Waltons: The Next Generation’ at the age of twelve. Some say she never recovered from losing her part as Joan-Boy Walton, the hermaphrodite lovechild of Billy-Bob Walton and Marina Godsey.

  Chelsee was paired with the sex demon Necheshiron after a viewer vote. Viewers were given the choice of five demons to ‘join’ with Chelsee. Necheshiron, the cloven footed, half dragon, half octopus sex god from the Sapatavi Dimension received 57% of the telephone votes. The fire-breathing demon with eight testicles helped Chelsee lose a massive TWENTY-FOUR pounds in ONE week — more than THREE TIMES the previous series record.

  Chelsee confided to THREE MILLION viewers that she’d never had so much fun on a diet before. She’d had hot, smoking sex AND she’d learned how to swim and hunt krill.

  Our third clinical trial was to test the efficacy of Projectile Vomiting as a slimming aid. Who better to test it against than Mikey ‘The Gurgitator’ Scarletti — the all-American Speed Eating Champion? This was the man who’d broken all the records for fast eating — devouring NINETY hotdogs in TEN minutes. He was pretty fast at getting rid of them too!

  “As a competition eater,” said Mikey. “I have to know how to load and unload food fast. If I kept it all down, I’d be too fat to compete at the top level. I’d never fit through the door!”

  Consequently the Green Room after a Speed Eating contest is NOT the place for the weak-stomached.

  But could an ordinary person, even with the aid of a demon, take on a professional like The Gurgitator?

  Yes, they could. In front of an invited audience of medical and speed eating professionals, we pitched Georgian housewife, Betsy Taylor — assisted by The Great Zog of Outer Colondia — against The Gurgitator.

  Both competitors were allowed fifteen minutes to ‘prepare.’ Mikey used his allotted time to load up with SEVENTY chilidogs. Betsy had a cup of tea and a beetle sandwich. The audience put on their protective clothing.

  What happened next made YouTube history. Even though most of the broadcast is obscured after three minutes and fifty-seven seconds — that’s the moment the last remaining camera lens was splatted — millions stayed watching just to hear the screams.

  Betsy Taylor was declared the winner. The audience came second. The Gurgitator retired from competitive eating.

  The final clinical trial was optioned to the Extreme Challenge network and appeared on their Man v Tapeworm series in the episode ‘Possession v Venezuelan Tape Worm.’

  It was the highest rated episode of the series. The Venezuelan Tapeworm had proved itself to be the hungriest tapeworm on the planet and had regularly topped 500 on the studio’s patented Giant Calorometer.

  Giant Calorometer? What’s a Giant Calorometer, Brick? Well, for those of you who have never seen Man v Tapeworm — and, boy, are you miss
ing some quality TV — here’s a quick description:

  The producers of Man v Tapeworm knew they had to find a way to calculate calorie consumption and, at the same time, make it entertaining. They wanted science and showmanship. And something big that the studio audience could understand.

  They contacted Barnum College, Oxford who came up with the Giant Calorometer. It’s fifteen feet tall and looks like a giant weighing machine. It has a pointer, a dial surrounded by a ring of colored lights, sound effects, and — should the machine reach a new high score — dry ice and fireworks!

  That’s the showmanship part. The science part is provided by really clever software that takes readings from various electrodes attached to, and probes inserted into, the human subject, and calculates how many calories are being burned AT THAT INSTANT. It’s real-time calorie measurement, and it’s so accurate it can measure micro-calories!

  So, there you have it. A live studio audience, two Calorometers, two human subjects (with their internal assistants) going head to head, and only one winner — Amara Mahajan and the arch-demon Succorbenthrael, Satan’s personal interior decorator.

  Succorbenthrael burned so many of Amara’s calories that the Calorometer couldn’t keep up. The pointer spun round as far as it could, and never dropped back. The studio slowly filled with smoke from the fireworks and dry ice. The Venezuelan tapeworm never got a look in.

  Later tests carried out at Barnum College with an enhanced Mega-Calorometer made an unexpected discovery. It had been thought that demons would burn calories at a near constant level, but they didn’t. Researchers discovered that more calories were burned during periods of intense demon mental activity. Astral projection, for one, burned up calories PROPORTIONATE to the activity of the astrally projected body. Read the section here to learn more about astral exercising.

  Choosing the Best Demon

  Spirits and demons are not all the same. They have strengths and weaknesses. Before selecting the right one for you, you need to work out what you need — from ‘a quiet, gradual reduction in weight,’ to a ‘lop off 200lbs in three days and I don’t care how!’