How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight Read online

  There’s a demon, or spirit, to suit your every need.

  A lot of people ask, ‘What’s the difference between a spirit and a demon?’ Well, the main difference is that spirits are dead. You can’t, legally, be possessed by the soul of a person, or animal, or alien, that’s still alive. It’s the scientific equivalent of bigamy and even Mormons aren’t allowed to do it.

  Demons are different. The vast majority of demons are far from dead, and many, having ascended several millennia ago, have no physical body to worry about. They can take physical form when they want to, but it’s not a body as we know it. It’s more like clothes they conjure up, put on, and throw away when they’ve finished. Consequently there are no concerns about what happens to a demon’s body while it’s living inside you, as there IS no body.

  1. Small is Beautiful

  Many experts believe that a small child makes the ideal spirit for the beginner. They’re smaller, they’re less set in their ways, they’re less strong, and they’ll be easier to exorcise once you’ve reached your target weight.

  But a small child can also be playful and unpredictable, not to mention prone to tantrums if they don’t get their own way. And they eat less. This means it’ll take longer for you to reach that all-important target weight.

  There’s also the very real prospect of POLTERGEIST activity which the spirits of children are especially prone to.

  What’s poltergeist activity? Well, it ranges from unusual noises — knocking sounds, groans and creaks — to objects flying off walls or floating around the room. Most people find it disconcerting, and it can severely limit your social life.

  At Crapper Clinics we screen all our spirit applicants to make sure only the most suitable spirits appear on our lists.

  Other establishments are not so picky.

  2. Old is... um

  Some experts swear by the older spirit. They’ve seen more, experienced more, and are more laid back. They make the ideal head-guest and are easy to exorcise.

  But they can also be picky eaters, which isn’t ideal when you’re trying to lose weight. You want someone who’s going to gobble down your calories, not pick and choose which bits of your dinner they’re going to try today.

  They can also have ‘senior moments’ at inconvenient times — you might find yourself floating into a room and then staying there for an hour not sure why. And if you’re the host of an older male spirit with prostate problems, you might find your sleep interrupted by frequent astral projections to the bathroom.

  3. Share Your Life with the Dead Celeb of Your Choice

  It’s expensive but it’s worth it. Imagine having JOHN LENNON in your head. Or ELVIS, or MARILYN MONROE, or a REALLY FAMOUS dead king like the one killed in the car park. They’d be ALL YOURS for a week OR MORE! You could find out what they were really like, and get the low down on all their FAMOUS friends.

  And lose weight AT THE SAME TIME!

  Crapper Clinics employ some of the best-connected mediums in the business. Some have celebrity AGENTS and GOSSIP COLUMNISTS as their spirit guides. No one else has such a stellar list on their books.

  So, if you want to discuss togas with Julius Caesar or discuss marriage with Henry VIII, look no further.

  4. Animals Are Not Always Man’s Best Friend

  Many people love the idea of sharing their head with an animal — a much-loved former pet, a lion, an eagle, a dolphin. It’s different. It’s an adventure. It’s exciting.

  But there’s often a downside. Many clients have spoken of an overpowering desire to chase cars, or climb trees, or lock on to the leg of a passing stranger. It can be very disconcerting. Especially for the stranger.

  At Crapper Clinics we talk through the pros and cons of each choice and the importance of establishing boundaries. Live animals are unpredictable, dead ones are even more so.

  And dinosaurs are particularly troublesome. A Brontosaurus may look placid, but they’re very set in their ways. If you don’t like the idea of spending a week waist-deep in a river, nibbling on overhanging leaves, then we suggest you try something smaller.

  That said, if you take the proper precautions, having an animal inside your head can be a liberating and life-changing experience. And you can have hours of fun with a ball of wool.

  5. Demons Are a Girl’s Best Friend

  If you want to lose weight FAST, and you don’t have many friends, this is the way to do it. You can lose TWENTY pounds in a day. One woman lost over ONE HUNDRED!

  But there’s a cost. Demons are more expensive, more risky, and harder to exorcise.

  And you might turn green.

  With scales...

  And grow a couple of extra limbs...

  On your head.

  6. Crapper’s Demon Dating Service

  With so much choice, many people feel overwhelmed. There are tens of thousands of spirits and demons out there. How can you narrow it down?

  Crapper Clinics has the solution. We call it the Demon Dating Service, and it’s FREE to every one of our clients.

  Yes, at Crapper Clinics we go that extra mile. We don’t hook you up to just ANY spirit or demon. We understand the very personal nature of possession, and the importance of finding someone, or something, compatible. You’re going to spend days, potentially weeks, with this being inside you. Best to find someone you can get along with.

  We also understand the desire for FUN and ADVENTURE. Want to hook up with a dead rock star? An ancestor? A favorite pet? A DINOSAUR!

  Or maybe your tastes range towards the EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL or even EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL? We can help you hook up with ALIENS and DEMONS! Or even DEAD alien demons!

  Just imagine the fun you could have with your new, ultra-powerful BFF!

  All you have to do is fill in a simple questionnaire (like the one at the back of the book here) and our GIANT computer will sift through our HUGE database of over FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND eligible spirits and demons to select your perfect partner. Who knows where it might lead! You might drop five dress sizes and be whisked away to a hunky dimension where the roads are paved with CHOCOLATE!

  Head Spinning and Other Exercises

  Astral Exercising

  Exercising your demon helps YOU lose weight. Isn’t that COOL? We’ve known for like FOREVER that exercise helps you lose weight but, up until now, everyone thought that meant YOU had to do the exercise. But, with possession, you can take a back seat and let your demon do the work — ASTRALLY. And, as the demon exercises, it burns up more of YOUR calories.

  But what does ‘astrally’ mean?

  Well, you’ve heard of astral projection, right? That’s where a person uses their mind to project their soul outside of their body. Some call it out-of-body flight or ‘remote viewing.’ Well, spirits do it all the time. They like to go for long runs at night, and hunt and chase stuff. Which has the DOUBLE advantage of using up YOUR calories while, at the SAME time, NOT straining your body! You can slim while you sleep, and wake up with no muscle aches or annoying mangled bunny remains strewn over the bed sheets!

  It’s the very definition of win-win.

  Astral Jogging, Astral Fight Clubs, Astral Hunts, Astral Zumba, Astral Orgies, Astral Synchronized Swimming — the ways a spirit can lose weight for you are legion.

  And most of them are legal.

  Head Spinning

  For those who prefer a more active role in exercise, but have become bored with the tired old exercise regimes, possession offers new and exciting alternatives.

  Ever wanted to try your hand at head spinning? I bet you have. How many people came away from watching The Exorcist wishing they could make their head rotate through 360°?

  Well, now you can. And what better way to stretch those neck muscles! Fitness guru Richard Little calls it ‘the ultimate fast burn neck exercise inferno.’ And what a way to break the ice at parties! No more embarrassing long silences over the dinner table — one long, slow rotate and you’ll have everyone’s attention.

  After a day or tw
o you’ll soon be able to build up the speed and increase those rotations to five, ten, even one hundred and more spins ... in seconds.

  Your neck will never have felt healthier. Unless you suffer from VERTIGO or spinning-sensitive EPILEPSY, in which case you are advised not to try this exercise. Also not advised on a full stomach as this could trigger PROJECTILE VOMITING OF THE SPINNING KIND.

  Muscle Spasms

  Electrical Muscle Stimulation (EMS) has been around for years. That’s where pulses of electricity are used to contract muscles, building up strength and improving muscle tone. Some diet gurus suggested that EMS also burned calories, but clinical research showed this to be marginal at best. To quote Professor Phil, the leading bio-nutritioneer on the planet, ‘To burn a significant number of calories you’d need to involve EVERY muscle group and WAY increase the amplitude of the contractions.’

  Sound familiar? Our scienteers at the Crapper Clinic Research Center thought so. Intense muscle spasms are a common side feature of possession. (At CCRC we don’t talk about ‘side effects.’ One man’s side effect is another man’s humongous opportunity — and we’re with that other man, which is why we use the term ‘side feature.’)

  We’ve since researched the HECK out of this side feature and — you know what? — it DOES burn calories. A shedload of them. And as for involving every part of the human body, it even exercises your TEETH!

  But isn’t it painful? It sure looks painful.

  No, it’s not because, like a TEMS machine, the spasms BLOCK the pain signals from reaching the brain. You get a full body work out, toned muscles AND no pain. Sometimes you even get levitation thrown in for free as well!

  Cursing as a Slimming Aid

  The slimming properties of cursing were first observed during studies on Tourette’s Syndrome.

  Professor Raylene’s ground breaking study found that subjects with Tourrette’s Syndrome burned more calories than Lutherans. Over the next seven years she extended the study to include most religious groups, and made the startling discovery that Trappist monks were twice as likely to be obese as Lutherans. But POSSESSED Lutherans burned even more calories than subjects with Tourette’s!

  Further analysis showed that living under a vow of silence inhibited calorie burning, while ‘letting it all out’ increased it.

  Simply put, cursing increases heart rate, stimulates oxygen flow, and BURNS calories.

  And when it comes to cursing, NO ONE does it better than an ancient spirit. They know curses we’ve never even heard of. They can shout louder, more often, and have the power to add REVERB and ECHO to your voice.

  And all the time they’re burning YOUR calories and helping YOU keep the pounds off.

  Ideal for getting rid of those unwelcome visitors. Have your in-laws overstayed their welcome? Is someone cold calling you about solar panels, or standing on your doorstep with a religious pamphlet? Unleash your inner Ancient and give them two minutes of ripe Ancient Sumerian — with full reverb. It works every time.

  Exorcism

  Exorcism is the final stage of your diet. When you’ve reached your target weight, or perhaps your house is surrounded by incensed villagers with pitchforks, give your local Crapper Clinic a call and we’ll fix you up with an exorcist of your choice.

  We have exorcists of all denominations, and every possible orientation. And we have exorcism ceremonies to match all pocketbooks. You can have the event catered ... even filmed, or you could have a quiet exorcism in your own home. It’s up to you.

  But is it dangerous?

  Some people — the Skeptical, the Cruel, the Uninformed and the Mean-spirited (SCUM for short) — like to spread LIES about exorcisms, painting the process as dangerous and excruciatingly painful. I expect they say the same about childbirth. In a way that’s what exorcism is — the birth of the new, slimline you.

  And it’s an entirely natural process — a few incantations, a little salt, an encouraging word or two. It’s NOTHING to be frightened of as long as you use a board-certified exorcist. At Crapper Clinics ALL our exorcists have been certified. Some more than once!

  Visit our website at www.CrapperClinics.con to view our latest list of exorcists sorted by:

  Denomination:

  Anglican

  Roman Catholic

  Martian Catholic

  Wiccan

  Latter Day Charismatic Anabaptist Hussite Alliance (non aligned)

  Santerian

  LaVeyan Satanist

  Demonic (various)

  and Orientation:

  Head facing forward

  Head facing backward

  No head

  NEW to Crapper Clinics! From next year you’ll be able to keep in touch with your old demon via Possessed Reunited (www.fiendsreunited.con) a website run by Crapper Clinics.

  Side Features and Other Things to Watch Out For

  As I mentioned earlier, at Crapper Clinics we don’t talk about side effects. We talk about side features, because that’s what they are — opportunities. The ‘glass half empty’ person whines and threatens to sue everyone in sight, but the ‘glass half full’ person thinks ‘Paralympic gold medal!’

  We LOVE the ‘glass half full’ person.

  But to be fair and balanced and NOT AT ALL one-sided, here are a few side features of possession we’re legally obliged to tell you about.

  Temporary Physical Changes

  During possession, and sometimes for up to a week afterwards, some clients may experience ‘physical augmentation.’ This is because some spirits and demons emit a morphological field which, in exceptional circumstances, can alter the physical appearance of the host.

  Whoa, Brick, doesn’t that sound scary?

  Not if you say it quickly.

  And often this is a GOOD thing. Various parts of your body get bigger — who hasn’t wanted that?

  It’s true that some get smaller, and some may change places, but who HASN’T wanted an arm on their kneecap to save bending down to tie shoelaces?

  Or feel the waft of cooling air on a hot summer day from a pair of REALLY large ears?

  Okay, so occasionally this can be worrying. But this is what dark rooms were invented for! Go and hide away for a week with all the curtains drawn, and wait. After all, it’s only a week, and when you emerge you’ll be slim! And the right way up.

  Dental Problems

  Studies have shown that Projectile Vomiting can have a detrimental effect on tooth enamel. But don’t despair! Crapper Clinics have dental plans to suit all budgets. We even have a ‘Sabre Tooth’ top-up plan for those clients who pair with exotically toothed animals and need an incisor reduction.

  Slight Coma

  Accidents happen. Not at Crapper Clinics because we make sure that every host and demon are compatible. But, if the correct checks are not carried out, and the demon is incompatible, then the host — that’s you — might lapse into a slight coma.

  Note the word ‘slight.’ This is NOT Persistent Vegetative State (not to be confused with the natural consequences of joining with the Angolan Carrot Demon or the Persistent Saucy State that follows joining with a Succubus). It’s a temporary slight coma which a ‘glass half full’ person recognizes as ‘going to sleep fat, and waking up thin.’

  Unexpected Presents

  Sharing your body with some demons can be like sharing your house with a cat. You occasionally wake up to the remains of a dead vole on your carpet, but the BENEFITS of having the cat around OUTWEIGH the carcasses.

  It’s the same with being possessed. Yes, you might find pieces of your neighbor strewn across the lawn, but ... you’re losing weight! I call this the ‘Lawn Half Empty’ scenario. The negamist sees the body parts and thinks, REPERCUSSIONS! The posimist doesn’t look out the window.

  It’s all a matter of perspective. And insurance. We recommend hosts take out the Crapper ‘Third Party Accidental Manslaughter’ policy which will cover you against all likely charges — including cannibalism.

  We also rec
ommend ticking the Parentage Insurance option if you’re thinking of choosing a sex demon or one of those crazy insectoid aliens. You might get lucky and fail a paternity test with your alien/human hybrid DNA, but courts take a dim view of people being tied up in a cocoon and having eggs implanted inside them.

  While on the topic of the law, please take a minute to sign our online petition to have ‘Not Guilty by Reason of Possession’ recognized as a valid plea in a criminal trial.

  Guilt

  Post-Possession guilt is fairly common. It’s a bit like survivor guilt. You’ve survived. You’re like ... REALLY thin and buff. And ... maybe a few people got killed.

  Or eaten.

  It happens.

  Not very often, but — according to the out of court settlement I was forced to sign — I have to admit that occasionally it does.

  So, what can I say?

  Well, first off, don’t beat yourself up about it! Move on. You weren’t responsible. You weren’t driving. You were the passenger. It’s the same as if you were sitting in a car and your mother suddenly went berserk, swerved onto the sidewalk and wiped out a line of shoppers. Okay, she probably wouldn’t have climbed out the car and eaten them all, but, even if she had, it still wouldn’t be your fault!

  At Crapper Clinics AfterCare we’ll teach you how to seek out the positive. Okay, so you might have eaten one of your co-workers, but don’t think GUILT, think BOOK DEAL and FILM RIGHTS.

  Our AfterCare is TOTAL SERVICE which means we look after your mental AND your financial well being. We have a top Hollywood agent and publicist on staff ready to help turn your life around.

  Ectoplasm Stains

  Just how do you remove ectoplasm stains? They’re not acid. They’re not alkaline. They’re not of this world.